Love is not to obsess or to worship. The last one, better be done on the church

A friend randomly suggested me to update this. Been having no idea plus no time plus no proper wifi conn to write since the last few months.

Quick glance over myself right now : 22 already, am about to start 2nd trimester of master next week, and still (since infinity), no sign of success on diet. Blah. The word just hangs on the tongue without any realization.

There were gah-zillion conversations about love that I engaged in the past couple months. Need to highlight some of them. Both as quick reminder for myself and also a gentle slap on your face : Have you really been in the right relationship?

(read it on someone's Path post couple months ago) Forgot the whole part, but one of it says "I'm in love with you because I'm not obsessed with you." which is really, really interesting for me. Girls often mistaken obsession or for love ."Oh my goodness I love Justin! I love err-whoever-it-is-one-of-those-pretty-looking-lads! I love Harry!" (personally I love the Potter much more than the Styles, even though he's friggin fictive) anyway my point is, now look at yourself, ladies.
If you :
- think that your man has no flaws, no wrongs, anything.
- believe every single thing he said as if it were what the Bible said.
- call him more often than you sneeze in a day.
- fight damn hard to be close to him no matter how hard he tries to pull away.
... better start questioning then. Love doesn't mean keeping him all and whole only for yourself. It's not the same as worshipping, it's the thing you do in church/mosque/such. Seriously.

And another one. A friend rephrased a quote from This Means War (CMIIW, I haven't watched that as well) that was something like "When you have to choose between two, don't choose the one who just treats you better. Be with someone who makes you a better person." Meaning, if he treats you good doesn't mean that he's good for you. Are you still the same whiny, childish, selfish, pessimistic little lady just like before you met him? Then there's no point of you being with him. You don't just date him then walk together through the aisle to the altar. You walk together through each day, through each rough path and stony street. Will you make it all without you guys trying to improve each other and support each other's back?

You can listen to this, you can not. I'm not a love doctor, hell crap my love life might be even more futureless than yours. I might need more help than you do. I'm just saying things I wish I could do to fix my life, while hoping that it might help fixing yours at the same time.


P.S. : here goes my shuffled playlist while typing this
The Script - Six Degrees of Separation
Lana Del Rey - This Is What Makes Us Girls
Rihanna - Love Without Tragedy- Mother Mary
Afrojack - Montreal
Jordin Sparks ft Chris Brown - No Air
Sinik ft James Blunt - Je Réalise
Asobi Seksu - Urusai Tori (acoustic)

I even have to struggle to snuggle

(#listening Maroon 5 - Daylight)

And the daylight is coming in a couple hours. Psychic iTunes.

Anyways, there's this one word that just came across my head and made me think like, that's it.
Struggle.

My recent life is all about struggling and fighting. If I may give some explanations :
- being an business student (while I was born to be world's #1 hater of numbers and econs)
- trying to lose weight, lots of it (I gained approx. 20 kilos during undergrad study, no exaggeration)
- have to stay at home, can only get out with parents or such (everyone knows I can't sit still, or maybe I can, in my sleep)
- trying to catch up with statistics accounting and such while trying not to forget my German after I stopped using it regularly (I'd be very thankful if you know a native German to be my sparring partner, PS : better if he's a HE who still likes a SHE, and good looking)

(#shuffled Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams - Get Lucky)

- still not knowing what I'll do for the future (corporate worker vs entrepreneur, given the fact that I don't even know what the heck I'm doing in a biz school)
- get rid of this laziness/labilness/little-sulky-kid-ness and grow up a little bit instead (that explains much already)
- fixing my sleep time (start to become more and more Batman-spirited and Panda-eyed at once)

(#next Take That - Back For Good)

- critical financial state (am currently earning nothing while I actually have a long bucket list, which includes getting financial stability)
- (still strongly related to above) stop buying online without thinking twice
- getting trust from Dad to drive by myself (I'm becoming 22 this June, DUH)
- come up with any improvement for this blog (I just glanced over my own posts and thought, nyet napa keliatannya gw galau bener.......)
- keeping myself sane (in the middle of school and stuffs)
- HOW TO BANISH THESE GIANT PIMPLES ON MY FACE??? (screw hormones)

(#now Justin Timberlake feat. Jay Z - Suit and Tie)

There's one other important point that I can't just disclose here.
And to close all those, I can't even shift to bed swiftly like other normal people. It takes double, triple, multiple effort for me to just close these tiny creaseless lids.

(#LastOneIPromiseYou Sting - Englishman in New York)

Well, that makes some additions to the list above : Find a cure for all those, either a what or a who.
(Deep down, I wish it's a who, if you got what I mean)


Kisses,
Legal alien (I'm a legal alien, woo oohh!)
(Man I love it when Isa Raja sang this song)

So, Madonna said "Time goes by so slowly", eh?

Depok, Feb 9th 2013

Cilandak, Feb 27th 2013

Maybe yes, but not for me.

Enough said.

Like being lent a company car by your boss

It's too good, too precious to be yours,
it takes you wherever you go,
it becomes your best friend you simply can't live one day without it,
you care so much about it that one tiny scratch will upset you.

But one thing, you can't have it forever. It's never yours and one day when the time dues, you have to return it and let it go.

By that time, all you could do is just watching it taken away from you and mouthing some wordless goodbyes.

It's time

From the first day she opened the door, she has noted to herself :

The day will come when they no longer long for her presence,
When they look at her not as lover, but more as a loner instead,
When she's not the first person they message in the morning anymore,
When their chamber is too stuffed for her to stay,
The time when things start to gone in a different direction,

Then she'll be ready to pack her hopes and leave.

Vertical headline

I got stranded up between the clouds

Amazing view no one can describe with words
Mesmerizing, shining like some barricade of swords

Some people stay for way too long
Can't go on, can't see that it's wrong
And I surely don't wanna be one
Reach higher to the sun, that's what to be done
Eventually I see my loves holding me down
Do they also have to mourn?

(January 5th 2012, 3.14 AM
One of those insomniac nights when I overthought everything)

2012 in wordless reflection. Let the pictures shed the tears or burst the laughter

Fanka's requiem mass

February 2012 

 Beauty Class with Harumi Sudradjat as the first Pre Event of UIFW 2012

February 2012

Photoshoot for UIFW 2012 printed ad

March 2012 

Friendly Fires @ Soundshine. My one and only gig in 2012, I guess

March 2012 

Photoshoot with Ikatan Studi Jerman 2012 teammates

March 2012

Yelling competition for Olimpiade Ilmiah Mahasiswa 2012

May 2012 

One of the best part of the year : Thai trip with the kosans

June 2012 

Grand Palace, Bangkok

June 2012 

Some great dishes from mamak (Indian restaurant) in Kuala Lumpur

June 2012

RTC announcers batch 2010, team building @ Puncak

June 2012

June people's birthday dinner with Kosans ++

July 2012

Baby Steven, less than one month old

July 2012

Very first show of UI FASHION WEEK 2012, wardrobe by Nainsook

September 2012 

 One of those rare moments when we could take shoots during work

September 2012

Some kind of after party for UIFW 2012 committees @ Nindi's

September 2012

Those darlings without whom I won't survive living through 2012

September 2012

 RTC UI FM 14th birthday

September 2012

Top 13 Finalists of TRAX Hunt 2012

October 2012

MCing for Commartfest @ Rolling Stone Cafe

November 2012 

LOing for OSN Pertamina 2012. On duty @ Dermaga One Ancol

November 2012

Birthday dinner from the December people of OSN crew

December 2012

First and last photoshoot with the whole batch of German Studies 2009

December 2012

Let's share then

5 days left before leaving 2012.

For most human being, it's quite an obligation to arrange a next-year resolution. Some really see it as a parameter to slide smoothly through the upcoming year. Some just think about it as nothing more than a routine. Some simply post one to follow everyone else. How about you then?

Me? Well I've tried many times to no avail. Every December of every year I ended up reading at the list I had composed before and felt like, hm, did I ever promised that? So, otherwise, I prefer making some recaps of what happened during the whole year, how far I had reached, and who influenced me pretty much on what.

This year's is gonna be long, I can assure myself even before I start typing. As a pro procrastinator-slash-devoted-deadliner, I presumed that I still have 5 days to share you my rants. While I compose one (after finishing some works left from univ) why don't you compose yours then we can share each other?

Because that's the main point of being human : always to share and to care.

You may weep, but how can you see with your eyes closed?

Every single human being must have at least one moment in life when they feel like things are going totally wrong.
Am I having one right now?

Nope. I know nothing in life is wrong. If it is, maybe you just don't see the lesson beneath. Or at least not yet.
Do I?
Yes.

I believe (well, I try to, better said) that we all met for reasons. There are reasons why moments happened, why you were connected with some particular souls, and why some of them were taken away from you. Of course you may weep, but how can you see matters with your eyes closed?

We have eyelids so that these eyes can take some rest, can ignore anything lies ahead, can clean up dirts in order to see clearer. But you see, they are not meant to be shut closed all the time. At least not before you head up to papa Lord's residence.

You can cry. You can deny those unwanted things happening to you. You can choose not to believe what you see. But it won't last. One day, you'll have to face them. It might hurt, it might suck, but at least, finally you can see.

Expectations, expectations on the wall, who's the fairest of all? Nada.

Whadya think about this new look? I was sort of bored with the recent childlike look, so I decided to make this visual sanctuary look a bit more, hmm, neat and clear. Well, at least I expected it to be so, I don't know if others really count it as "neat and clear" or not.

And that's the matter. Expectations.

How do I start?

So to make it clear, I'd like to call myself a worst-case-scenario person. For me the safest plan is the one with concrete solutions when everything seems to not work out. Yet, just like other labil youngsters at my age, I'm also that type of person who already has this clear visualization in mind about what I'll  do/see/create everytime I plan something. To make it sound less complicated : I'm an analytical pessimist and also an imaginative optimist at the same time.

I always end up with expectations. The matter whether the upcoming reality suits my former expectation or not, that's not really a big deal for me. At least it used to be so.

Lately I feel like, I expect much more, which causes the fact that I swallow lot more disappointment because my plans, my pretty elaborated forecast, simply don't work.

The answer is actually easy as two three. You plant this theory in your head that nothing would ever be quite the same like how you wanted it to be. Another following confusion is, well, I don't really care if it's my expectation that I ruined, but it bothers me like damn when I screw up with people's expectations toward me.

Like, I don't really care if I get C+ or something as final score, but that will surely be a problem for mom and dad.
I don't really care if I gain like more than dozen kilos, but that might be horrible for my future love life. Who would ever marry a woman as big as orca whale?
I don't really care if I neglect my jobdesc in event committee(s), but that will absofreakinlutely ruin my whole team.
I don't really care about what I wear. Pathetic torn jeans shorts, black T-shirt with fancy colored bra peeking through a bit, or dirty cheap flip flops for a walk to capital city mega malls. But will I be that heartless to let people disgust themselves seeing a shabby fat ass with oily face and frizzy bed hair?

Yes, that's how hard life is for an overthinker like me.


(Btw, this is the fastest post I ever wrote. Seriously, wow.)