Love is not to obsess or to worship. The last one, better be done on the church

A friend randomly suggested me to update this. Been having no idea plus no time plus no proper wifi conn to write since the last few months.

Quick glance over myself right now : 22 already, am about to start 2nd trimester of master next week, and still (since infinity), no sign of success on diet. Blah. The word just hangs on the tongue without any realization.

There were gah-zillion conversations about love that I engaged in the past couple months. Need to highlight some of them. Both as quick reminder for myself and also a gentle slap on your face : Have you really been in the right relationship?

(read it on someone's Path post couple months ago) Forgot the whole part, but one of it says "I'm in love with you because I'm not obsessed with you." which is really, really interesting for me. Girls often mistaken obsession or for love ."Oh my goodness I love Justin! I love err-whoever-it-is-one-of-those-pretty-looking-lads! I love Harry!" (personally I love the Potter much more than the Styles, even though he's friggin fictive) anyway my point is, now look at yourself, ladies.
If you :
- think that your man has no flaws, no wrongs, anything.
- believe every single thing he said as if it were what the Bible said.
- call him more often than you sneeze in a day.
- fight damn hard to be close to him no matter how hard he tries to pull away.
... better start questioning then. Love doesn't mean keeping him all and whole only for yourself. It's not the same as worshipping, it's the thing you do in church/mosque/such. Seriously.

And another one. A friend rephrased a quote from This Means War (CMIIW, I haven't watched that as well) that was something like "When you have to choose between two, don't choose the one who just treats you better. Be with someone who makes you a better person." Meaning, if he treats you good doesn't mean that he's good for you. Are you still the same whiny, childish, selfish, pessimistic little lady just like before you met him? Then there's no point of you being with him. You don't just date him then walk together through the aisle to the altar. You walk together through each day, through each rough path and stony street. Will you make it all without you guys trying to improve each other and support each other's back?

You can listen to this, you can not. I'm not a love doctor, hell crap my love life might be even more futureless than yours. I might need more help than you do. I'm just saying things I wish I could do to fix my life, while hoping that it might help fixing yours at the same time.


P.S. : here goes my shuffled playlist while typing this
The Script - Six Degrees of Separation
Lana Del Rey - This Is What Makes Us Girls
Rihanna - Love Without Tragedy- Mother Mary
Afrojack - Montreal
Jordin Sparks ft Chris Brown - No Air
Sinik ft James Blunt - Je Réalise
Asobi Seksu - Urusai Tori (acoustic)

I even have to struggle to snuggle

(#listening Maroon 5 - Daylight)

And the daylight is coming in a couple hours. Psychic iTunes.

Anyways, there's this one word that just came across my head and made me think like, that's it.
Struggle.

My recent life is all about struggling and fighting. If I may give some explanations :
- being an business student (while I was born to be world's #1 hater of numbers and econs)
- trying to lose weight, lots of it (I gained approx. 20 kilos during undergrad study, no exaggeration)
- have to stay at home, can only get out with parents or such (everyone knows I can't sit still, or maybe I can, in my sleep)
- trying to catch up with statistics accounting and such while trying not to forget my German after I stopped using it regularly (I'd be very thankful if you know a native German to be my sparring partner, PS : better if he's a HE who still likes a SHE, and good looking)

(#shuffled Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams - Get Lucky)

- still not knowing what I'll do for the future (corporate worker vs entrepreneur, given the fact that I don't even know what the heck I'm doing in a biz school)
- get rid of this laziness/labilness/little-sulky-kid-ness and grow up a little bit instead (that explains much already)
- fixing my sleep time (start to become more and more Batman-spirited and Panda-eyed at once)

(#next Take That - Back For Good)

- critical financial state (am currently earning nothing while I actually have a long bucket list, which includes getting financial stability)
- (still strongly related to above) stop buying online without thinking twice
- getting trust from Dad to drive by myself (I'm becoming 22 this June, DUH)
- come up with any improvement for this blog (I just glanced over my own posts and thought, nyet napa keliatannya gw galau bener.......)
- keeping myself sane (in the middle of school and stuffs)
- HOW TO BANISH THESE GIANT PIMPLES ON MY FACE??? (screw hormones)

(#now Justin Timberlake feat. Jay Z - Suit and Tie)

There's one other important point that I can't just disclose here.
And to close all those, I can't even shift to bed swiftly like other normal people. It takes double, triple, multiple effort for me to just close these tiny creaseless lids.

(#LastOneIPromiseYou Sting - Englishman in New York)

Well, that makes some additions to the list above : Find a cure for all those, either a what or a who.
(Deep down, I wish it's a who, if you got what I mean)


Kisses,
Legal alien (I'm a legal alien, woo oohh!)
(Man I love it when Isa Raja sang this song)

So, Madonna said "Time goes by so slowly", eh?

Depok, Feb 9th 2013

Cilandak, Feb 27th 2013

Maybe yes, but not for me.

Enough said.

Vertical headline

I got stranded up between the clouds

Amazing view no one can describe with words
Mesmerizing, shining like some barricade of swords

Some people stay for way too long
Can't go on, can't see that it's wrong
And I surely don't wanna be one
Reach higher to the sun, that's what to be done
Eventually I see my loves holding me down
Do they also have to mourn?

(January 5th 2012, 3.14 AM
One of those insomniac nights when I overthought everything)

You may weep, but how can you see with your eyes closed?

Every single human being must have at least one moment in life when they feel like things are going totally wrong.
Am I having one right now?

Nope. I know nothing in life is wrong. If it is, maybe you just don't see the lesson beneath. Or at least not yet.
Do I?
Yes.

I believe (well, I try to, better said) that we all met for reasons. There are reasons why moments happened, why you were connected with some particular souls, and why some of them were taken away from you. Of course you may weep, but how can you see matters with your eyes closed?

We have eyelids so that these eyes can take some rest, can ignore anything lies ahead, can clean up dirts in order to see clearer. But you see, they are not meant to be shut closed all the time. At least not before you head up to papa Lord's residence.

You can cry. You can deny those unwanted things happening to you. You can choose not to believe what you see. But it won't last. One day, you'll have to face them. It might hurt, it might suck, but at least, finally you can see.

Tonight and every single night, it is

You got a girl
That doesn't look a thing like me
The girl, your mother always said it would be
So, you could say that, you could say that
I'm hopeless

But that ain't the girl
That ain't the girl I want you to be
The girl that keeps up
And I see in my dreams
So, you could say that, you could say that
I love her

So I don't care what they say
It's our life life life
We can dance if we want
Make it feel alright
Temperature's rising
I feel the fire
Tonight, it's just me and you

Tell me baby, will you be here when I wake up
Even with no make up
I don't want to fake it

And you don't gotta doubt a second if I miss you
Everytime I'm with you
I feel naked

If I told you girl
Come and run away with me
Now will you throw it all away for me
I need to know that, need to know that
It's not over

Cause you were the boy
Daddy told you to stay away from me
But you're nothing but a fantasy
I need to know that, need to know that
You'd be strong enough to believe in us

Tonight, it's just me and you


I don't even know which one I should bold/caps lock/underline/whatever, because they're all true.
!!!!!!!

From myself, maybe?

You called me after midnight,
must have been three years since we last spoke.
I slowly tried to bring back,
the image of your face from the memories so old.
I tried so hard to follow,
but didn't catch the half of what had gone wrong,
said I don't know what I can save you from.

I asked you to come over, and within half an hour,
you were at my door.
I had never really known you,
but I realized that the one you were before,
had changed into somebody for whom
I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on.
Still I don't know what I can save you from.

Well, I know, but I'm not sure...

(I  Don't Know What I Can Save You From - Kings of Convenience)

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet, but you always keep passing me by

So, I was sitting outside one day
Waiting for the dude to come down my way
Praying, wishing, hoping, thinking
And I felt my emotions sinking
I've been waiting for the phone to ring
I check constantly, but it was all a dream
I never thought you could be so mean
Tired of the waiting, so it's time to come clean
And why do boys have to be so shady?
First it's all good and he's glad you're his lady
Baby this, baby that, see another chick and he act like that
But the thing with me, I can't take it
Keep it 100, was real, now face it
You gonna eat your words and Imma make you happen
So we're ready for the action

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine...
No you never were, and you never will be mine...
There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No you never were, and you never will be mine...

If you havin problems with the one you love so much
And you wanna feel his touch
Put your hand in the air, let them know that you truly care
You don't wanna do the fight fuss
Getting sick of the love pain
All the lies and the trust games
Guessing, age don't make a difference
And I'm getting fed up, so listen
First you told me that you loved me dearly
I loved you, did I make that clearly?
And you're thinking that you can play my game
But I wanna think twice, so retain my claim
And I'm kinda mad at myself, cause I let you get the best of me
To confess to me, her
Oh boy, I'm through
Tell that chick that she better get at you

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine...

No you never were, and you never will be mine...

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet

But you always keep passing me by

No you never were, and you never will be mine...

(Robyn feat Rye Rye - Never Will Be Mine)

it doesn't completely resemble my true recent case here, but still.........

human, not a puppet

so, instead of doing my real obligations (googling about online marketing, learn more about Indonesian kain, some other else, many other else), I end up reading the latest bday wishes I received several days ago.

those were from my announcer buddies, who somehow threw out some kind of late surprise and gave me this one awesome artwork. gonna post the picture later, after I snap it with at least a high-res camera. anyway, this artwork contains all their bday wishes. I read them one by one : 12 people, 12+12+xxx wish, and 12+12+12+12+infinity words that made me smile like half-idiot-half-pervert.

and here's the main point of this post : 2 or 3 of them (who clearly understood almost all of my current life stories, and exactly knew that I had one specific prob bugging my head for months) hoped that this crap-coated prob would end soon (yea of course, positive wishes). they said quite like this : don't let anyone hang you on his/her strings. go find your escape.

I instantly imagined myself, tied up with such invisible handcuffs, connected to some slender sticks by thick transparent strings. exactly like marionette, or those wayang puppets my dad used to watch. later on this one person came, took the sticks, then moved me felinely according to his mood swifts (let's just assume that this person is a he, before you readers begin to confuse with the term he/she, him/her, whatever). to sum it up : he controlled me. he hung me right under his hands.

along these previous months, I've been through a long cycle of escaping, getting caught back, escaping again, getting caught again, then it went on and on and ooonnn. I often said to myself : don't let him screw you. take control over your OWN life, you brainless girl. but the fact is : it's not that easy.

done with my shameful narration. what I'm trying to say is, it shouldn't be that way. we're born as human, with complicated brain parts, millions cells of neural system, whatsoever, so that we can think for ourselves. you have the right to do any move you want for life, instead of letting someone else doing the job. freedom, that's the keyword. it's something too precious to be given to someone unworthy (just like what I almost done).

never ever hang your life under someone else's will. in my case, I let destiny (and my baseless presumptions) control my every single move. I was hanging my life under the hands of Mr. Uncertainty. what a double combo I got there :

1. I lost control of my own self.

2. I handed over that control to something uncertain.

well then. I just can hope that this massive galauful case won't happen to other people (maybe any of you). just take me as a pitiful lesson.

"Just a puppet on a lonely string,

Oh who would ever want to be king?"

(Coldplay - Viva La Vida)

#junewish

well, I have no urgencies to share any, since I know none of my june wish(es) will come true. none.

orighty. no space for whiny-blamy. I'm soon to be 20, that explicitly equals maturity. so that's what I'll simply do right now. don't whine, don't blame, just live with what's coming to me. because everything always happens for a reason.

as I've promised to (and demanded from) myself in the beginning of 2011, I'll arrange my resolution list before I reached this year's birthday. trying to pop up with some drafts here :

- routine sport (walk to/from campus, routine fitness at least 3x a week)

- better financial management (less unplanned hedonism, think 100000 times before buying things)

- better sleeptime management (less midnight randomness/galauness, wake up earlier)

- NO MORE "CLASS-AT-8-BUT-WAKE-UP-AT-7.55"

- NO MORE "I-EAT-A-LOT-EVERYTIME-I'M-STRESSED-OUT"

- more committed on diet in spite of semangat 45 di awal dan peduli amat di akhir

- watch my mouth. be careful with whatever I want to say

- be more serious on work

- improve design skill and marketing knowledge

- be a better announcer. there are still lots of aspects to be polished

- find an effective way to keep my voice clean-and-clear (less sore throat/losing voice, like I'm suffering from right now)

- find other ways to fatten up my piggybank (routine saving, freelance jobs or whatever)

- quitting one specific bad habit, deadline : before graduating univ

- be more grateful, stop looking at other people's lucks longingly. I should've had my own luck already

- don't be such an stonehead, listen to my friends. they always want the best for me

- don't set my hopes too high. live realistically, without utopic optimism nor desperate pessimism

- get my driving license this year. IMPROVE DRIVING SKILL! (VERY IMPORTANT)

that's all I can sum up for now. am gonna come up with more improvements soon. right after I get my mind cleared up from these pathetic thoughts

4th semester

I'm currently enjoying my gabut time on bed, after one week quarantine with final exams and so on and so on. well the finals aren't finished yet. the last one (and the hardest one) is still coming on the way. well at least we've got enough time to take a slow, deep breath, and make sure that everyone's gonna give their best shot.

in such short period, only about 4 months, there are lots of things - no, not lots, too much things - that I've learned, I've known, I've achieved, I've lost. I mean like, this first half of 2011 is really... hectic, both in a fun and a frustrating way.

so, I just started working on 2 clothing lines at once (yes this is an official confirmation : I work there, I don't own the labels myself). the first one is Legal&Crime, with simple, edgy, and androgynous twist as its signature style. their main identity is somehow so... me. no overpriced brands nor over-embellished outfits. anyways I'm so impressed with one other label, Delima, especially with the idealism to bring Indonesian culture to a higher level of consumption through fashion. that's why Delima's products are made of 100% handmade local fabric and bought directly from the craftsman in small regions and villages all around the country. I decided to take part in these 2 different teams, both as marketing assistant.

through Legal&Crime and Delima I learn about one important word : professionalism.

when you're stressed out with univ assignments, personal problems, mood swing, PMS, or anything else, here's the point : your job goes on. I learned to put a decent smile (euphemism for the word "fake") and keep the pressure deep deep down on the bottom of my head. in front of people, you always have to smile and look happy, because you're representing the whole brand, not just yourself.

putting job thingies aside, univ life is an absolute pain in the ass. it's true what most seniors and lecturers had said before : 4th semester is a semester of penjagalan. I can't find suitable words and phrases to describe it, it's just... well. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that this semester is about to end very soon.

after 4 months without enough proper sleep, almost 4 months I couldn't have a weekend escape without worrying about papers and stuffs, I now understand the word "resistance". based on my own experience and conclusion, it's one of the most important things you need beside commitment and strong will. without that R word, I should've resigned and looked for another much-much-easier major. or worse, I should've stayed at home 24/7, doing nothing but being a useless piece of crap.

friendship. another term that I've understood better by now. I found real friends, real people that never pretend and never lie. with whom I can really be myself. I can fart, burp, or whatever, yet I'm sure they won't leave me. on the other hand I also found the fake ones. the ones who talked about me behind my back then laughed with me, talked something bad about someone else. well, I can't say I hate them though. because of them, I know one main rule of making friends : take them to see your darkest, worst side. the ones who stay, they're the ones who are worthy to be called "friends".

letting go. I've been struggling for something specific since several months, but I decided to let it go. one lesson I got from this : life goes on. there's no such thing as remote control nor pause/rewind/fast-forward features, so you must always move forward, no matter what happens. yes, I've heard those words like millions of times before, but I barely listened to them. now I see, thank you to both of you. yes, you two.

well. I scrolled up and down through this page then I thought like, I've been rambling too much and too randomly. guess most of the readers won't really get what I meant, especially the second last paragraph. but hope you enjoy afterall, this is my purest form of expression :)

deep sea baby, I follow you

Oh I beg you, can I follow?

Oh I ask you, why not always?

Be the ocean where I unravel

Be my only, be the water where I'm wading

You're my river running high

Run deep, run wild

I, I follow, I follow you

Deep sea baby, I follow you

I, I follow, I follow you

Dark boom honey, I follow you

He a message, I'm the runner

He the rebel, I'm the daughter waiting for you

(Lykke Li - I Follow Rivers)

summary of my current mood

I sacrificed like zillions of things for this, but now?

most of my mates have dreamed about going to fine universities and getting the major they craved for since loonng ago. the planning, the struggling, and then wham! the result came straight forward : a "Congratulation!" or a "Sorry, please try again."

my story comes up like this. I dreamed about one specific job. a job that would let me travel around the world, meet and talk to people from everywhere. sounds like a job that people like me would kill for. that was why I chose to enroll at my high school, because the language class there is always the best in Jakarta (and even in Indonesia, if I got it right). then the whole plot flowed quite smoothly : I made it there. though later on it became more and more horrible each day. due to my dislikes to pure literature, and also dad's dislikes to my choice. at first I didn't listen to him at all. I thought : I know what I want. I have such a strong will on this and I'll show him I can make it. again, I had achieved more that I expected from myself. yet in my dad's eyes it was still not enough. until now I feel like I always fail to make him proud. until now.

well, however. at the near end of my 3rd high school year, I was still going for that one major I craved. dad was absolutely against it, because of some reasons that I can't elaborate here. too private. okay fine, I switched to plan B. I intended to take another major that is still closely related to my interest in fashion and also to my dad's wish that his children would carry on his business. so voilá, I thought this would please him. the fact? no, he detested my second choice worse that the previous one. then again, I swallowed all my disappointments and thought about another option.

third trial. I love foreign languages, so I decided to make them my future source of life. as I'd predicted before, dad still said no. but this time I'd already given in far too much. I wouldn't give up my passion anymore, so I carried on with my stubbornness and chose my third option, my current major now. so that was how I got here at the first place.

first year went veeerrryyy smoothly. no need further elaboration. then the second year...... BHAM! felt like, as if all the things I used to fight for were becoming nothing, useless. I used to love sitting in class, listening to any new subjects flowing into my ears and brain cells. well, though I spent some times sleeping on my seat. but lately my time table in class turns into this : 70% daydreaming, 20% sleeping, and 10% studying. seriously. no exaggeration. my GPA keeps on decreasing each term and I paid less and less attention on it. I found other interests that took my mind away from my main duty : concentrate on my major. now that I find these new interests more advantageous and interesting, I start to feel afraid. what I'm about to do with my whole life? what will I do for living in the future?

sheesh. I don't even know how to face tomorrow's mid test. then why bother to think about final tests, future job, my real passion, etc etc? or if I have to rephrase : lo belajar buat UTS aja enggak niat yuk gimana mau mikirin kerja deh? bisa lulus ini matkul aja udah syukur banget woy.

sorry for randomly rambling anyway.

like, seriously, errr, really? this is so nyampah

just wanna share this :

and this :

I'm currently buffering for those both while having this continuous headache. thanks to this essay assignment. some of you might have seen me tweeting about it in the past several hours. one small part of me feels like exploding soon. another part reminds me to keep my head chilled and take a brief rest. another yells at me "why the hell you opened that video? and now you're BLOGGING? hell. what's with you?" oh yes, good question.

I think I can make something out of it.

the book 24 Wajah Billy suddenly popped up. just few seconds ago. then I came up with this :

11 Faces of Me : Pergolakan Hati Melawan SA

(Why 11? I can't think of another 13 ideas, besides I'm too lazy to think that much)

geeky me : (talking about assignment) "So, I guess it's people's right to choose whether they want to be religious or not. Not going to church on Sundays doesn't mean you're a criminal or what, right? So the gov should give us freedom to..."

whiny me : "Hey geeky can you please STOP? Fark it should we do this every week? May I enjoy my weekend in peace, s'il te plait? I already had enough German words to kill me by now. AARRGGHH!!!!!"

wise me : "Whiny don't you remember, who forced you to choose German at the first place? No one, as far as I could remember. So stop whining, just finish it with all of your effort. When you graduate you'll find all these very useful, trust me kiddo."

selfish me : "Well I'm not blaming my choice here. I just want to enjoy my weekend! I'm tired, I'm acutely insomniac, I've got other important things to do beside this shite. All I want is my regular weekend, coffee on Saturday, eat out with family, random blog surfing, anything. I don't care if it's useless. It's me, I don't care what others might say."

shopaholic me : "And don't forget shopping! Remember what mom said this morning? She wanted to fetch that discount on Harvey Nics. NAH! Grab the chance lah."

hedon / fatty me : "Then dinner at Social House! I want some steak. Oh, and a glass of red wine would be nice too. Then Crystal Jade bread for next morning's breakfast. Oh, also Red Mango for dessert. Strawberry sounds delicious. Emmm what else..."

ignorant me : "Geez you thought a lot. Don't you feel any headache, having THAT much thoughts spinning in you? Forget it lah. Relax."

cool me : "Yeah dude. Relax, will you? Know what, I'm thinking about going out somewhere right now. Maybe 7/11? I need something fresh, like Blueberry Slurpee. And some beer. And cigs. Black Menthol. I need those like a lot."

paranoid me : "Oh my God, cigs? Don't! You don't try that, NEVER. It's not good for your health. You want to die young, lady? And beers? You forgot your tummy probs? And look at your big tummy! You don't want it to be any bigger."

pelit me : "Yes I'm with you paranoid. Besides, you know how much a Slurpee costs? A pack of cigs? A bottle of Hein? You said you want to save some money for your next trip, I'm pretty sure. So instead of those, why don't you just get some Fruit Tea in fridge? Or make coffee. It's FREE baby."

labil me : "Ah don't be such a pain in the ass deh you pelit. I only want some drink kali, not that expensive kan. You can ask dad for some cash. Eh, but if I drink soda I'll get fattier dong? Ah no deh! I go with you deh pelit. Eh, eh but Fruit Tea is also full of sugar yes? Ah same dong, also makes me fat. Then what should I drink dong? Aer putih doang? Lazy ah!"

after typing that last line barulah gw mikir:

TERUS KAPAN GW BIKIN TUGASNYA KOK MALAH NGEBLOG?

aduh

random

maaf

pusing kebanyakan mikir

dan ngomong2, dialog diatas semua fiktif kok

what is responsibility?

responsibility |riˌspänsəˈbilətē|noun ( pl. -ties)the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone : women bear children and take responsibility forchild care.• the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something :the group has claimed responsibility for a string of murders.• the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization : we would expect individuals lower down the organization to take on more responsibility.• (often responsibilities) a thing that one is required to do as part of a job, role, or legal obligation : he will take over the responsibilities of overseas director.• [in sing. ] ( responsibility to/toward) a moral obligation to behave correctly toward or in respect of : individuals have a responsibility to control personal behavior.

(source : Dictionary application @ laptop)

as much as I could conclude, they said it's a duty to control and to be blamed at the same time. an obligation to behave.

for me, the word means much more than that. further than just 14 characters.

responsibility is a gift. something given to a person that is considered proper. it means, they trust you.

it's a burden. by taking it, you've already declared that you accepted all the risks. the risk to sacrifice extra time, extra concern, extra thoughts. it's very possible that you'll get sick, both physically and mentally. it means, it would kill you if you can't resist.

it's an acknowledgement. when people call you responsible, it means you are reliable, mature enough to conquer what your age demands from you. means you succeed to beat your own self and show up the best in you.

it's a call of the nature, something inevitable. the more day you've lived through, the bigger duties people will demand from you. like, you won't expect a 3 yr kid to clean up his own mess, right? nor a 40 yr man to take someone's life and not to feel bad about it. well the point is, it won't decrease. there will always be more to accomplish, more to concern. so you'd better keep up your speed before time leave you far behind.

overall, it's something I need to learn more. something that I think I haven't had yet. something I should, no, MUST have.

in the age of 19, I still think I live too freely. too happy-go-lucky. I set my goals, but never felt disappointed when I couldn't achieve them. for me there's always "next time". like, if I deserve it, it will find its own way to me. no matter how long, no matter after how many failures.

well, I can't tell whether this kind of thought is right or wrong. all I can conclude is, I'm taking everything too easily. always.

that's one thing I'm craving to change. like, hell, I'm becoming 20 soon, and what have I got?

I still end up fooling around with no job, while most of my friends could already feed themselves. no income yet more to spend. I simply hate this, don't ever think I'll feel proud spending my dad's stacks uselessly.

I have this one big dream, one dream job in the future. yet I didn't fight hard enough. my GPA keeps on decreasing and I couldn't gather up the will to struggle. I still felt like sleeping in class, neglecting all assignments, I didn't even bother to show up in class. one question : then how about your future? you want it so bad, but you do nothing to get it. heck?

anyways, why did all these randomness suddenly pop out?

I just agreed to accept one new responsibility, am currently thinking about it over and over again. I'm thinking, am I ready for this? am I capable enough to manage people, while I can't even manage myself? I'm afraid that I will screw up again, that's the big gigantic point.

well. I don't know. seriously. don't know.

so far I can say that I'll do my best. I'll show them, the ones who had trusted me, that I won't let them down. most of all, I hope it's not an anget anget tai ayam thing. I'll try to keep the will, kalo perlu sampe tai ayamnya jadi es batu gw harus semangat terus deh.

it's not me. not me. not. not. not.not

... sayangnya demikian.

(Labuan Beach, Anyer, Sept 2009. photo by Yuke Adora Iskandar)

ngena

*backsound : The Band Perry - If I Die Young*

"Lo inget kan salah satu alesan kenapa bonyok gamau lo masuk UI? Karena takut lo kena pengaruh buruk. Ya lo jangan malah nunjukin kalo mereka bener dong. Lo mesti berubah, mesti mikir yang positif."

- Christiaan Robert R.

"Anggep aja kayak gini. Kadang lo nangis gara-gara lo cuma dapet satu permen. Tapi lo mesti inget, di luar sana malah ada yang gak dapet permen sama sekali."

- Argi Wibawa

*backsound : Boyce Avenue - Iris*

I was currently doing nothing. shuffling my iTunes playlist, thinking and re-thinking about lots of things until some words of my friends crossed my mind. one was from Aan and the other from Argi. I can't get those words out of my head. it's like, geez, they can't be more correct than that.

so today, I'm just gonna thank God that I still have lots of wise heads around me. my friends, my sister, and some others that had changed me without me realizing it. maybe I could only whine up all the time without them all.

*backsound : 311 - Love Song*

Billboard Top 50 Singles (1/8/2011)

okay, I'm absolutely not in my best mood today.

just found out my latest GPA for the last semester and it's... well, I could feel like hell's coming up on me. lucky enough to pass some deadly subjects, but it feels horrible to see those 'C's scattered on my score sheet. fine. whatever. I won't die just because of this pain on the brain. well, unless those fugly lecturers come to me and chase me with a sharp blood-stained blade, like those serial killers on movie. okay quit it, I'm getting delusional. please pardon my unhealthy soul today.

let's just talk about something much much more pleasant. here I'm sharing you all the latest Billboard Chart. they keep on updating the chart each week, I hope I could do the same. re-post the chart here, I mean. 

FYI, I got the source from here.

to make it more efficient, I'll type here only the newcomers and the newest top 10.

Guidelines :

kiss (:*) = love it

triple kiss (:* :* :*) = love it love it LLLLOVE IT!

triple kiss with a coret bret (:xxx) = used to love it love it love it, before it was damn overrated and I started to get bored

Newcomers :

41. Taio Cruz ft. Travie McCoy - Higher (:* :* :*)

30. The Lonely Island ft. Akon - I Just Had Sex

10. Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are (:* :* :*)

9.  Black Eyed Peas - The Time (Dirty Bit) (:xxx)

8. Trey Songz ft. Nicki Minaj - Bottoms Up

7. Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris - Tonight (I'm F**king You) (:* :* :*)

6. Wiz Khalifa - Black And Yellow

5. P!nk - Raise Your Glass

4. Rihanna ft. Drake - What's My Name? (:*)

3. Ke$ha - We R Who We R

2. Katy Perry - Firework (:xxx)

1. Bruno Mars - Grenade (:* :* :*)

YAY! Grenade is like, playing in my head aaalll time. just a phrase "love it" is simply not enough. I'm addicted to it, I guess.

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live

Take, take, take it all, but you never give

Should've known you were trouble from the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open

Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

You give me all your love is all I ever asked

Cause what you don't understand

Is that I'd catch a grenade for you

Throw my hand on the blade for you

I'd jump in front of a train for you

You know I'd do anything for you

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight to my brain

Yes I would die for you babe

But you won't do the same...

No you won't do the same...

my new year resolution is...

... no resolutions at all!

I decided to make one before my 20th bday in June 2011. I guess it would be more, like, meaningful. positive change on a totally new life. some might say that life begins at 20, so that's exactly when I will. begin a brand new life, I mean.

for now, I could only wish for a better year. after all these madnesses in 2010 guess I need to 'take a breath'. I need to concentrate on my real dream, which I tended to forget due to some continuous distractions. and also I would like to perform better in class, since all I did in 3rd semester was... was... em, nothing.

fine then. right now dad and I are quite hectic looking for a place to spend new year. we've tried to reserve a place in some exquisite restos yet all of them were already full booked. geez, guess all Indonesians got that hidden talent to be a party addict, all of them. just saying

big 3 on christmas wishlist, counting down

3. Kate Spade's / Olympia Le-Tan's Book Clutch

"The Great Gatsby" & "Great Expectations" by Kate Spade

spotted : Natalie Portman @ Premiere "Black Swan", clutching "Lolita" by Olympia Le-Tan

2. iPod Touch 4th gen

1. GOOD GPA FOR THIS SEMESTER. make this bold and HUGE

... and also a strong-motivated mind for the next semester. that's simply the one thing I need the most for now

and by the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Santa loves you all people :*

(All images were taken from Google)