what is responsibility?

responsibility |riˌspänsəˈbilətē|noun ( pl. -ties)the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone : women bear children and take responsibility forchild care.• the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something :the group has claimed responsibility for a string of murders.• the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization : we would expect individuals lower down the organization to take on more responsibility.• (often responsibilities) a thing that one is required to do as part of a job, role, or legal obligation : he will take over the responsibilities of overseas director.• [in sing. ] ( responsibility to/toward) a moral obligation to behave correctly toward or in respect of : individuals have a responsibility to control personal behavior.

(source : Dictionary application @ laptop)

as much as I could conclude, they said it's a duty to control and to be blamed at the same time. an obligation to behave.

for me, the word means much more than that. further than just 14 characters.

responsibility is a gift. something given to a person that is considered proper. it means, they trust you.

it's a burden. by taking it, you've already declared that you accepted all the risks. the risk to sacrifice extra time, extra concern, extra thoughts. it's very possible that you'll get sick, both physically and mentally. it means, it would kill you if you can't resist.

it's an acknowledgement. when people call you responsible, it means you are reliable, mature enough to conquer what your age demands from you. means you succeed to beat your own self and show up the best in you.

it's a call of the nature, something inevitable. the more day you've lived through, the bigger duties people will demand from you. like, you won't expect a 3 yr kid to clean up his own mess, right? nor a 40 yr man to take someone's life and not to feel bad about it. well the point is, it won't decrease. there will always be more to accomplish, more to concern. so you'd better keep up your speed before time leave you far behind.

overall, it's something I need to learn more. something that I think I haven't had yet. something I should, no, MUST have.

in the age of 19, I still think I live too freely. too happy-go-lucky. I set my goals, but never felt disappointed when I couldn't achieve them. for me there's always "next time". like, if I deserve it, it will find its own way to me. no matter how long, no matter after how many failures.

well, I can't tell whether this kind of thought is right or wrong. all I can conclude is, I'm taking everything too easily. always.

that's one thing I'm craving to change. like, hell, I'm becoming 20 soon, and what have I got?

I still end up fooling around with no job, while most of my friends could already feed themselves. no income yet more to spend. I simply hate this, don't ever think I'll feel proud spending my dad's stacks uselessly.

I have this one big dream, one dream job in the future. yet I didn't fight hard enough. my GPA keeps on decreasing and I couldn't gather up the will to struggle. I still felt like sleeping in class, neglecting all assignments, I didn't even bother to show up in class. one question : then how about your future? you want it so bad, but you do nothing to get it. heck?

anyways, why did all these randomness suddenly pop out?

I just agreed to accept one new responsibility, am currently thinking about it over and over again. I'm thinking, am I ready for this? am I capable enough to manage people, while I can't even manage myself? I'm afraid that I will screw up again, that's the big gigantic point.

well. I don't know. seriously. don't know.

so far I can say that I'll do my best. I'll show them, the ones who had trusted me, that I won't let them down. most of all, I hope it's not an anget anget tai ayam thing. I'll try to keep the will, kalo perlu sampe tai ayamnya jadi es batu gw harus semangat terus deh.